Notes: 181777 / 8 months ago
from lacedd-uppp (originally from xlollipopmassacrex)
Notes: 23719 / 8 months ago
from metal-thrashing (originally from nichvlas)
8 months ago
I forgot about how bad it really was a few years ago when it peaked, I forgot about all the thoughts I had and I forgot about every emotion I poured out into a notebook that was basically the only thing that listened. Paper. And since I can’t find anything to write on, wassup tumblr.
I forgot about how bad my mind was, how serious the state I was in truly was. I forgot about ruining a good education at a good school because my mind snapped and I completely lost control of my thoughts and myself. I forgot about the self harm that was inflicted, and the thoughts that went through my head on a daily basis. I forgot about how much I truly wanted to leave this world because I was scared to wake up in the morning and scared to face the world. Nothing is more frightening than hearing your parents completely disregard you as their child and want nothing to do with you, I mean I’m glad I’m past that, but the memories still hurt. All of the days where I skipped school just to hide from the world, just sit in my room where I knew nothing could really hurt me… the fear of going to school and facing everyone who I knew just used me for a comedic prop because of my size and my appearance… I hated that so much. I hated not having control of my thoughts, not being able to control what would go through my mind at any given time. Literally hearing your mind put yourself down and put down every sense of happiness around you to the point where all you want to do is sleep to hide from your mind is scary. Its fucking horrifying. Not wanting to be awake for days at a time, hiding from everyone and everything around me because i was ashamed of the person I was and the life I lived, not being able to talk to ANYONE because of social anxiety and having no self esteem or confidence after it being destroyed for years as a kid… it really fucked me over. I couldn’t even look at myself in a mirror without fully insulting myself because my mind would automatically put into my head what I assumed others would. I forgot about how bad everything with my dad was, how bad growing up with him was. I forgot about the bruises I had and the nights of just crying from everything he said/did. I remember just wanting my mom a lot of the time growing up, yeah I’m a mommas boy. Fuck you. But she wasn’t there because she worked all day. I saw her for 2 days a week and even then I didn’t say anything for how bad things got when she wasn’t home. I didn’t know how to say anything, so I sucked it up and dealt with it. For 14 years until I finally snapped, and then basically threw an amazing education possibility away for getting kicked out of school for blacking out and having my mind take control of myself and not being able to do anything. I remember first going to counseling and just begging the doctor to tell me what the fuck is going on with me. What was going on in my head to make me hate myself and hate everything around me. I wanted to know why the only time I could be happy was when I was unconscious. I wanted to stop the suicidal thoughts so badly, and thankfully I did. But when the emotions come flooding back from then, and there’s nothing I can do to brace for them to slam me or avoid them as a whole, I just have to cope with the depression the same way I did when I was dealing with it for so many years. Music. Music is the only real answer I had to fight my emotions, and it still does the job. Oh well, another long sleepless night ahead of me. thanks tumblr for being an improvised notebook to write on.
Notes: 41 / 8 months ago
Notes: 1 / 8 months ago
It sucks not having anybody to really lean on and open up to. Everyone can dish their problems onto me and I can always figure out the solution for them, but when I need to just talk. Just simply talk to get things off my mind no ones there. People who claim they love you, people who claim that they want to be with you or be “best friends 4 lyfe dawg” just simply aren’t there whenever I need them, and then I crack. For the most part, I’ve conquered depression and moved past it, but I guess you never really get through it because it always comes back to haunt me. All I ask for is just one person I can really lean on and open up to. Just a close friend that I can truely trust and know that they’re there for me just like I’m there for them. But hey, there’s always music. Woohoo. Fuck depression.
Notes: 1193 / 8 months ago
from trippingeyes-and-flo0dedlungs (originally from asiansinthebuilding)
Notes: 2682 / 8 months ago
from trippingeyes-and-flo0dedlungs (originally from rifl3)
Notes: 65282 / 8 months ago
from trippingeyes-and-flo0dedlungs (originally from 0riginal)
Notes: 4696 / 8 months ago
from trippingeyes-and-flo0dedlungs (originally from gabrielandher)
8 months ago
blowmebaby asked: Do i know you by any chance?
you might, we only go to school together and you were basically the first person to talk to me at SP in Geometry last year. lol